ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
