My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
