saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
