I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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