Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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