wanna go halves on a baby?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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