Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
