No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
