I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
