Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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