She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
