peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
two words...techno handjob
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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