when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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