No awkward lesbian experiences without me
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
