I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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