Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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