No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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