sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
