whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
