Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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