someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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