I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
