then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
