She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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