totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
