he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
