Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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