escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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