Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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