your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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