i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
