I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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