Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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