Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
