How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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