I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
