I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
