She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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