I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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