dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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