Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
