I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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