Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
