Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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