You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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