Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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