I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
