yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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