I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
