i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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