His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
