He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
