Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
