If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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