God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
