My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Everyone says I win the strip club
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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