I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
